Easter Rant

Dear Internet,

   I hate this time of year.  It's even worse than Christmas.  Every Christian out there is joyfully strutting about proclaiming how wonderful their God is and how he loved us so much he sent his only son to die for our sins.  FUCK dying for my sins; I hadn't even been born yet!  What, did the old bugger just assume that I was going to be a horrible, sinful person?
   Oh right, right, he's omniscient. How ignorant of me.
   All right then.  Since he's omniscient, WHY THE FUCK DID HE HAVE TO SEND HIS SON TO DIE ON THE BLOODY CROSS WHEN ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS FORGIVE EVERYONE FOR ACTING THE WAY THAT HE CREATED THEM TO ACT IN THE FIRST PLACE?!
   And what's all this about God being three persons and one person at the same time and sending for each other even though he doesn't have to because he already knows everything that is ever going to happen?!  I mean, what was the point of Jesus sitting there in the garden praying all bloody night TO HIMSELF?!  He knew he was going to die; that was the whole reason he was sent here!!  Saving himself would've ruined the whole bloody thing!
   While we're on the subject of Jesus, why didn't he perform REAL miracles?!  What's with all this rubbing spit on a blind person's eyes and feeding a multitude with fish and bread? No.  No, if I was God, and I wanted people to believe in me, I'd re-order the fucking WEATHER.  "Say, you!  Yes you, the chap with the camel! You want it to rain, don't you?" 'How did you know?!' "I'm God." *makes it rain* 'Praise be the Lord!'
   Or how about this?  "Oh, yes, and here's the cure to cancer.  I know you've been wanting that.  No, no, you've got it all wrong- diseases aren't caused by evil spirits.  They're caused by GERMS.  Nasty little fellows, they are.  Dunno why I created them.  Ah well, here's how you cure it.  See?  It's simple!  Oh, and here are the secrets to electricity and indoor plumbing.  G'day!"
   But no.  He didn't do anything like that.
   Do you know why...?
   BECAUSE THE PEOPLE WRITING THE BIBLE WERE HALF-LITERATE BRONZE-AGE SHEPHERDS LIVING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING DESERT!!!!!
   Oh, but they were divinely inspired to write that contradictory, violent, sadistic, confusing rubbish pile of filth and mind-numbing pestilence.  How on Earth could I forget?  I mean, only a bloodthirsty tyrant like Yahweh could have inspired such a veritable dung heap!

   I've gotten off subject.
   Right, back to Easter- tell me, if you don't think that Yahweh is based off of a war-god to a relatively small group of people living in the Middle East, then why is it that the only way to appease himself is to split himself into three and kill himself?  What's so appeasing about human sacrifice?  Doesn't that seem... oh, I don't know... a little barbaric, perhaps?
   But do you know what?  There's just no reasoning with religious people on these points.  So if you're religious, I don't want to hear anything about how I'm going to Hell and how Jesus died for my sins and I should just prostrate myself to your imaginary friend and beg for forgiveness for having a brain and actually using it (for something other than memorizing Bible verses), because I've heard it all already.  I'm an ex-Catholic.  I know every argument you're going to throw at me.  So fuck off.